A work in progress..

I dream in blatant color

Yet I don’t know where I am.

In the morning, I wake up crying.

I don’t want to remember the pain

Or think of the faces in the dream.

Or hear the harsh tones.

Where can I go from here?

Wake up, start the day.

Jolt back into reality with the cold.

They say home is where the heart is

My heart is torn in three.

Where then is My home?

The Exchange

Four o’clock tea time in the morning air
I’m wearing my green dress
The one with the sash?
Hear them call, call out to me.
I know you never see them.
They choose me, for my looks or voice I know not,
But they chose me.

These select special few are like me,
People who can’t mold, doesn’t conform
Yet they are quiet
They cause no trouble, but they wish
Oh they wish!
Somewhere where dancing is the sport
Singing prized
Manner kind and gentle, no harsh words or ideas

How can I get there?
I know not yet, lest I go prematurely
I will be found when it is time. 

adjectives that can be used to describe myself this week

Tired * Sick *

* Happy * Pretty * Cold *

* Silly *

* Young * Sweet *

* Surprised * Happy * Frustrated * Gray *

 * Raspy * Cautious *

* Headstrong *

* Stupid * Mushy *

* Clean * Helpful * Bewildered *

*Loved*

Johnny

Each morning the alarm goes off
You come into my room
I hit snooze a couple times
It gives you time to groom.

Just when I feel like getting up
You jump onto my bed
I try and try to push you off
You turn your tail instead

I give a sigh and pull you close
You snuggle next to me
I smile with your fur in my mouth
This is how it's meant to be.

Quiet, purring, listening to the rain

You and me, before the morning starts
(THIS LINE HASN'T COME TO ME YET. GRRRR)
You have stolen my heart.

why...

 So, getting high has been going around lately. Not me. Ew. But, one of the actors that I've been stage managing seems to have that as her hobby, and I've been talking about it with one of my friends who decided to 'experiment'.

 Quite honestly I don't understand the draw. Why would you want to do something that re-organizes your brain cells? The person who was experimenting said that they were imagining things, and then realized that they could actually see them... but my question is why? We have movies, we have pens and paper, and we have computers. Why can you not 'imagine' them there? Why take something that messes you up so much? I've seen hippies who used to have that as a daily part of their lives... those that are still alive that is. And they're scary. Those drugs seriously mess you up.

*sigh*

I hope these people learn their lessons....

I Really AM Smart!

 So I just got back from a meeting with the learning specialist here at PVCC, and I think I came back with positive results.

 My math teacher asked me to go see the learning specialist - I think because I'm a good student, and she doesn't understand why I'm having trouble. So I went today, and she said the typical things - figure out my learning style, why did I think I was having trouble (she was really sweet, saying that she wasn't blaming homeschooling, but did I think that it might have something to do with it?) She was actually really adorable - calling me Honey and Sweetie through the whole thing, and she had a very gentle and relaxing manor, which was nice. She gave me a sheet of recommended testing places, and told me what sort of recourses our learning center here has. Then she told me that she had looked me up, and that I was an excellent student, and that I had a very god GPA. I was surprised by it actually... I mean, I know I'm a good student, but I didn't think I was over 3.4.

I am.

by 2.4something digits.

Now, I honestly don't know how long I'm going to stay right there - I'm not doing badly by any means in any of my classes, but I'm not exactly getting 99s either... so we'll see. But that was a really nice thing to hear and see. At least, if I'm being held in this dungeon against my will (and ohmygoodness, this is SUCH an dungeon today. It's all cloudy, and misty outside, and if I could just find my camera battery charger, I would have take pictures) I'm getting a good result from it.

You know, it's kind of funny. I never before thought that I had ultra high standards for grades, but I guess I do. I have smart friends. The two who I actually discuss grades with, are both smart in different ways, but they both strive for that A. And then I know people (some of whom are friends, lol) who think that getting a B is pretty darn amazing.

Now, I always thought I fell in between the two groups, but now I'm surprised to find that I fall more along the As. Not because I try uber hard - I will admit that I could try a little harder. But, there are two people I know who do that, and I know I don't want to become like them. I love them both, but they annoy me to heck when it comes to when and how they have to do their homework. But then I look at two other people I know, who (when they were in school) used strategies that I did NOT agree with - I also don't want to become like them.

So, what started as a post about how proud of myself, somehow became a post on what I don't want to be.... but whatever. I have that lovely 3.645 GPA, which is pretty darn cool. Quite frankly, so long as it doesn't go below 3.5, I'm fine with it.... but it's nice to know that you can look at my school records and see that I "achieve excellence."

Depression?

 I don't think I'm having a very good day. I'm not having a bad day - it's not a awful. I'm not even in that bad a mood. I'm just down. I think it's the SAD kicking in again. Maybe. Or perhaps I should stop blaming that, and take responsibility for my own depressing mood? I don't know if I'm control of it though. That's the thing - I'll wake up on a beautiful day like today, with nothing in particular to bring me down, but I spend the entire day in a funk. Is that normal? Is it just me being a moody teen, and therefore I should take responsibility? Or is it the depression taking over, and I should try taking control?

UGH.

Frustration. Annoyance.

Expect more poems.

Sunday Night

so many questions not answered. so many things unsaid. No beginning, no end. where is the line? thoughts swirl, tears fall. stronger? maybe, tomorrow.

Yes, I Realize My Poems Are All Sad. And That None of Them Have Names. My Blog, My Rules.

~My first attempt at a sonnet. At 2am.

Help me to understand why

One can make promises they do not intend to keep?

And although you want to believe his sigh

He’ll push you ‘till you have to weep.

A broken vase, shattered on the ground

Glass and flowers mingling on the floor

Splashes of color and glitter abound

While reality slams us right into the door.

And, if the flowers are gathered up,

Will they still live and shine anew?

No, one may die while in the cup

Though drenched with heavy dew.

While he says “I’m sorry”

My face is turned away. 









Would you believe this stemmed from two boys telling me that they would call on the same night, at the same time... and neither of them did? Grr. I should just get txting and forget about the whole 'speaking' thing. 

Yet One More Reason I Hate College.

I'm sitting at the booth at which we're supposed to be plugging the Halloween show and the upcoming One Acts and selling tickets for both (not that I actually have anything to do since Kay didn't bother to bring the cash box - but that's a different issue) and there's this couple across from me. Now, I don't think that what they're doing con be considered 'making out' exactly.... they're just being 'cute'.  Really cute. Tickling, giggling, can't-keep-their-hands-off-each other, cute. Now, if they were a newish couple, I'd understand, maybe - but I've seen these two around the campus since I started in September. They've been together since then. And in all that time, every time I see the two of them together, they're quite hands-y, the girl making these RIDICULOUS squeaking noises, and talking in baby talk. It's so bad sometimes that I just want to go up and slap her.

Now, there are some couples around here that are obviously couples, but not as annoying as these two. Ugh. Please people. Go home. At least go to your car. Please?

Also - My name. There is a study group across from the couple (on the other side of me) who is trashing some chick with the same name as me. I really hope I don't saddle my kids with a name so easy to find as mine.

We Have a Show to Give in Three Days. Am I the Only One to Realize This?

Wednesday. Thursday. Friday. Saturday.

Saturday is Halloween. Saturday is the day of the Halloween Show. Am I the only one who realizes this? I've asked if I can help. Asked what I can do to help along with things. But our Fearless leader (aka, president Chelsea) has not asked, directed, or even hinted that she wanted/needed help. So I, as the VP, too a few matters into my own hands, but quite honestly, I have no idea what we need. When I ask, she'll say something about how "Oh, I talked to Bob about that... it might happen." or "I emailed that guy already, didn't I tell you?"
Um no, my dear, you didn't. But that's ok. I didn't want a lot of responsibility anyway. But at the same time, I didn't want the show to fall apart. I wanted it to be good. At least a little bit.

grr.

I'm not sure what the right thing to do here is. All of our "leaders" from last year kinda bailed on us, and left us in the middle of this expectancy, without telling us how to handle it. And personally, I think the management is better, and we're doing a really good job for what was handed to us... but now we're down to a deadline. FOUR DAYS.

Not that I'm freaking out or anything. No, no. I am perfectly calm. And when I see Chelsea and Kay today, I shall remain calm as they both accuse each other of falling down on the ball. And I will assumer responsibility for something that I really shouldn't be in charge of, because they both know I will get it done. And, I will be suggesting the position of co-presidency be introduced into this club. Because really, I can get things done, on a deadline, with a little time to spare. My mother has taught me well. Thanks Mom. I owe you one.

(that was sarcasm by the way)

~thesingingprincess

Decisions, decisions

 This weekend is much better than the last. I'm not sure why... maybe because I'm feeling better about life in general. Definitely more confused, but better.
 I attempted to fill out an application for Disney, but after doing so and filling out a web interview, I was informed that I did not meet the requirements that they were looking for, and that I could try again in April. So that's a lovely and dandy, and it means that I can definitely go up to CT over my winter break (now I just have to figure out where I'm staying, but that's for a whole different blog post) but it hasn't decided my summer. I'm quite torn up about what to do.

 In the first place, I'm going to be here for the spring semester, hopefully taking 5 classes, so long as my financial aid'll allow me. And I'm going to try for work study also. That, including the Vice (or Co...) presidency of Masquers should keep me pretty busy. And I'm probably going to want to have the summer completely off. However, I do already have a job here, and if I stay I could probably take at least one more course at the college over the summer, which would put me ahead/keep me on track, depending on how you look at it.

 The other thing that's been put in my head is to go up to Connecticut for the summer. I'd find a job, rent out a room, or apartment, and perhaps be in Cirillo's play, if I could manage to audition. It would be a break from the family, a break from Virginia, and a break from being lonely. Even if  I didn't see my friends every day, I know I'd be able to see them at least once or twice a week, especially if I got into Cirillo. And that would be a nice change from my usual, communication through the computer. Which is rather icky, because I feel attached to this thing, much more attached than anyone should be to an inanimate object.

 The smart, practical thing would be to just bite the bullet and stay here, take the job, and graduate with plenty of time to spare. That would be exactly what I would do if I was the stereotypical good, smart, loving daughter and student. However, sadly, I am not. I think that by the time I finish my spring semester that I'm going to be a wreck, if not completely crazy, and I'll want to leave as fast as possible. And while I should stay in VA, because there are some great opportunities here, if I would just stay on one place... I have too much wanderlust. I love traveling around, and I think that I'll want to leave after another 5 months here.

 I'm very conflicted about this. Which is better - my mental health, or the opportunities I can gain? I know that I'll get over something eventually. It might take a while, (perhaps years) but would it be worth my regrets to definitely be out of school, definitely by summer '11? And then what about Disney? I'm not sure I should even apply again in April. Perhaps I should wait another 2 years, until I can definitely go out for the Spring advantage. but then who knows if I'll even get into the Disney program then?

 I'm very conflicted about this whole thing. But I was just informed that I am slacking as a member of this family, so I'd better go.

~thesingingprincess

weekend.

My weekend has been spent doing not may productive things.

I take that back.

I've done 3 lessons in my ASL book, all my math homework, and study sheets, completely cleaned the kitchen and washed the dishes 4 times (today) talked with both my grandmothers, had a lovely diologue with my best friend about childhood books, had another diologue with my other best friend about the drama in her life, dealt with insomnia, watched a classic move that I've always wanted to see, taken a nap, cuddled with my cat, and spent time with my sisters.

but I have not a) worked on my paper or b) finished the Disney presentation.  The Disney thing is ok, because I wanted mom to fill out th app with me, and she's been locked up in her room all afternoon, but the paper is really staryting to bother. I've been staring at it for the past 2 days, and usually I can come up with something by the time I've stared at something for that long, but it's not really working this weekend.

ARG. Why can I not do this paper? Even for Hawthorne, I was able to re-write it. But this is giving me such a block. And as much as I try to dispel writer's block, I can't think of any other explication. I spent the past  week coming up with paragraphs for this thing, and I guess I'm just all written out?

That can't be true, as obviously I am writing right now. but this is different - I'm writing about me here. I know me. I don't know the people in the book. Only the author knows that.

erg. I'm depressing myself.

~thesingingprincess.

A Very Bad Poem That I Wrote

again, the title ^^ says it all.

(and p.s. this poem has no title)

I walk outside in the rain

Expecting cold downpour.

What I expect is my experience,

Drenched.

My face lifts up

Watching the droplets pummel to the ground.

Standing stock-still,

Ignoring calls of my name.

Who enjoys this cold?

Why do people praise this feeling?

I cannot appreciate the chill

As it settles in my face, in my bones.

I will be lonely this winter

Though I am warmer than most.

In my room, hiding

Waiting for the chill to lift.

Summer is long in coming

As I stand outside.

Waiting to be drenched in sunshine

Instead of sadness.  

No One Likes Listening To You Talk About Yourself For A Whole Hour Nonstop...

But apparently the guy next to me doesn't know that rule of life. Really. I'm sitting here listening to my music, and I can still hear him jabbering on. I don't know what about - I've heard snippets, something about him tutoring, and then about his running habits, and how he has something that he needs to see a doctor about, along with how he can handle the class he's failing in. I really don't think the girl to whom he is talking cares at all. She hasn't lifted her head from the paper she's correcting at all, and is only making "mhm" noises.

So I saw my guidance counselor today. I told her about this Disney program, and and talked to her about transferring credits. She was very enthusiastic about it and told me that it looked awesome - and then told me to talk to someone in the transferring office. So then I went to talk to that lady who I ended up not even talking to at all; I just handed in my Disney folder to the receptionist, and she talked to the transfer lady. The gave me the number of the Dean of Humanities, to whom I talked after talking to his receptionist-person. He was extraordinarily discouraging. Even the receptionist at Admissions had said that the program looks like a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and that it'd be amazing to do. The Dean didn't listen to what the Internship was in all, he just told me that it wasn't in my best interest to do any internship that was not sponsored by the college. And then I think he told me that he told me that the college doesn't do internships anymore... but that can't be right because that would contradict what he said before. Or what I thought he said. I'm not really sure what he said - he was talking so fast, and he was rather scary actually. I had been scared of my guidance counselor, but I am now much more scared of the Dean.

 I don't even really care about getting credits. I'll be getting Life Experience out of the whole thing (assuming I'd even get in, which isn't guaranteed at ALL) and if that means that I'm a little behind in my schooling, then oh well. I did learn something useful though - I can see if I can test out of all the math classes I need to take. I could do that now, but I think it would be a good idea to take my pre-algebra class before I try to test out of anything. but if I test as soon as my pre-algebra class is over maybe I'll get out of the next 2 or 3 classes. That'd be cool. :) And if I don't.... oh well.

I'm going to go work on revising my paper now.

~thesingingprincess

Northern Downpour

 
  I've decided that one of my problems (among many, *sigh*) lately is my lack of travel. Now, we've been in Virginia for two years now, which you'd THINK would be enough time to get me used to the fact that you drive two hours and you're still in the same state, looking at the same kinds of scenery, but for whatever reason it hasn't. And I think I did more driving around with Mom last year anyway. I miss that so much - driving up to Massachusetts when we lived in CT, and Vermont if we were lucky, especially around this time of year when we could see the pretty New England leaves; and going to Yankee Candle or Vermont Country store to stalk up on the products thy only put out in the fall. And even in the last two years, Mom would drive us over the mountains to Harrisonburg to visit the Mennonite stores, and get the fun fall stuff. And for the past few summers we've been all over the country and back.

  I love traveling, I really do, whether it's on a train, car or plane and I miss it so much. Usually I'm ok with counting down the days until my next traveling date, but for some reason that hasn't been cutting it lately for me. I'm itching to go somewhere - especially now that fall is here. There's just something in me that makes me want to e out traveling and exploring when the temperatures get crisper and the leaves change.

  It's a bit amusing to realize that I really do like the fall - I like my idea of fall. I like climbing apple trees, and the idea of corn mazes and hay rides (even though I've never been to either of those) and hot apple cider, and pumpkins, and scarves, and the pretty colours of the leaves on the grass when it's still green. I like hearing about when all the little kids are going to be for Halloween, and all the yummy smells that come from autumn-smelling candles, and baked good with pumpkin in them. People down here don't really have fall until mid-october, and the leaves haven't even started falling yet, for the most part.

  I don't understand myself. Here I am all depressed from sun deficiency, and cooler temperatures, yet I'm yearning for a place that gets much colder and much darker than it does here. It makes no sense. but I guess it's just one more thing in my life that makes no sense no matter how hard I try to fit the pieces together.

~thsingingprincess

When everyone has gone to sleep and you are wide awake there's no one left to tell your troubles to.

 Well I guess there are people still awake, but I'm not supposed to be.

Eh. I'll get started on this early bedtime stuff tomorrow.

I've had another one of those nights. One of those where you are presented with something big at 9pm, and you can't stop thinking about it 3 hours later. (plus, I kinda have to re-do my paper. again. it's proving rather difficult)

I think so much better at night. I do my best thinking between the hours of 10 and 1. Which is why I have procrastinate until now to get this paper done... my work is so much better when I have a deadline pressing down on me, and it's night. Which kinda sucks. Because I've tried to be a good student, and do things ahead of time, but my creative process just won't allow it! You scoff and laugh, but it's true. Very, very annoyingly true.

So, my SAD has started up, as you may have noticed by my lack of writing. It hate it, but there's really nothing I can do about it until it wears out. It's quite tiring being depressed all the time. It's funny how much energy goes into doing nothing. I feel lonely, tired, sad, angry, melancholy.... mainly lonely. And I don't want to do anything. It's weird. Usually I'll drag myself downstairs to get something to eat if I'm hungery, or schoolwork if I'm bored, (or if I actually need to do homework) or call someone if I want to talk to them. But with this depression-thing, I let myself be hungry, won't do my homework until absolutely necessary, and I spent about an hour staring at my phone, scrolling through my contacts yesterday... but not dialing a number.

*sigh*

It'll go away. It always does. It also gets worse every year, but that's neither here or there. My parents want me to see a doctor, and they've suggested everything from a normal doctor to homeopathic and/or acupuncture (which, frankly, sounds really cool to me) to a psychologist. I don't know what I need. I don't want to be put on antidepressants, or any other kind of medication. I do think a homeopathic doctor sounds really cool, but I don't believe we have one on the insurance plan. :(  And I've always been wary about seeing a psychologist. I would appreciate it... but I'm scared that I'll start psychoanalyzing myself more than I already do. Which would not be a good thing. I think. And anyway, as I said, it'll go away. I just need to stop forgetting about it... and try to focus more, and to actually do my schoolwork. Well, I do do it. and it's always on time - it's always just on time. And I'm trying I really am! This is just so weird for me. I've been this depressed before, but it usually goes away after 2 days or so. At the moment, my depression is going on 11 days. It's so odd. I don't like this feeling of un-control over my mind. I want to force myself back to normality, but nothing I do works.

side note - I did do my laundry today. That was good. I like having clean sheets.

I also don't like the fact that I can't sleep. Even if I turn out the light and turn off the computer, I cannot sleep. I lie there thinking about how I should be sleeping, and thinking that I am asleep, but realizing that I'm staring at the wall. And as I said, I received things to think about tonight. They really shouldn't matter, but I'll be thinking about it for a few days to come anyway. (p.s. just so you know, if you lie to my face, I automatically hate you. there. I've given people fair warning)

All I want is to take a train to Pennsylvania or Connecticut and spend a weekend with people who love me. Not that my family doesn't love me, but I see them every day. They annoy me just as much as I annoy them. Also, I'm ready for some new scenery. I've been in Virginia for two months now, and I'm ready to go visit somewhere different. That's the cool thing about New England; you only have to drive an hour and then you're in a completely different state! Here, everything looks the same, and the people are the same, and the only thing that seems different is me. My evil moods making me cranky and grumpy and depressed, while all around me people continue on their boring albeit normal lives.

Grr. I think I probably need to stop now. I'm going to print out this paper, and then go to bed. Comments would be appreciated - do you struggle with any of this too? Insomnia, SAD, loneliness, annoyance with family, even the whole 'hating those who lie to your face.' (well. it wasn't exactly my face. but it was close enough.) I'd like to know that there are other out there who feel the same way I do. I don't know of it would make me feel better exactly, but I'm not naive in thinking that I'm the only one who feels the way I do. :)

~thesingingprincess

The Best Pictures Are Taken On Rainy Days

~ thesingingprincess

I Wonder Why

Sometimes I wonder why I trust people so much. I'm not sure why I do - there are so many people out there with trust complexes, so I would assume that it's rather normal to be un-trusting of people. But then I insisting on seeing the best in people, and being eternally optimistic about things. Even if I don't show it - I'm always looking on the bright side, and hoping that things will turn out for the best.

And who am I to say they don't? When things go bad for me, a lot of the time they turn out excellently for another person. But back to the trust issue.

I'm a rather naive person, I accept this. But I'm really starting to wonder if I have trust issues - but the opposite kind from most people. People make me promises that they don't keep, and I gloss over it. Tell them it's alright, and to forget about it. I'm fine. They lie to me, and once I learn under what circumstances, I'm very forgiving. And trust them again immediately.

I just had a shock come from my best friend. I should have know better, and I should be more understanding, but something in me snapped. I'm sick of hearing her complain about her life, and her friends, and the boys who adore her, and how awful her life is, and how everyone ignores her.... and now she's informed me that she's moving to Utah. Even though all summer she was telling me how very much she wanted us to live together next summer, and that we should go down to Disney, or up to CT, and actually be together for once in our lives, as Best Friends who actually get to see each other more than twice a year.

And I made the mistake of trusting her.

I knew she was just saying it... I purposely didn't go to Casting down at Disney, because I didn't want my heart to be broken; but when she started talking about going to CT for a summer and us living together for only 3 months, I made the mistake of trusting and believing her. I wanted to believe her so much...

We've been best friends for 11 years now - 3 of which we actually lived in the same state. I'm not going to write about how pathetic my life has been without living near my best friend, other than to say that I was sooo excited that she seemed to be serious about us being together for once. In her defense - shes always talked about going west. Something about the mountains and the desert and how beautiful they are. Ugh. All that brown, and it's too big in my opinion. I feel claustrophobic... or I guess whatever the opposite of claustrophobia is, in the desert. It's too big, too brown and not enough trees. And anyway, I thought Arin moving out west was like me wanting to move to London. It's wonderful, absolutely amazing, and the only place where I ever felt as though I completely belonged (I was 12 at the time) but never have I seriously considered actually moving there. It doesn't seem sensible. And I always dreamed of getting a cute little apartment with Arin somewhere and living happy, single lives together with a few cats - I knew this wouldn't happen in London. It couldn't. And I guessed I always assumed that she felt the same way. But... she doesn't.

Arin doesn't need the same people around her all the time. I admire that in her - she is so friendly, and outgoing; she can make friends wherever she goes. You have no idea how many times I wished and prayed for that skill for myself - but it's never happened. I like the same people around me all the time. I like having my little support group of 7-ish people. Arin is independent, and beautiful, and so sure of herself, and she can tell people what do do without sounding like a complete bitch - people usually like it when she gives direction. I'm the exact opposite - I'm always unsure of myself, I hate having to tell people what and how to do things, and when I do, I sound like a complete know-it-all. I love being with her, because we compliment each other so much. I organize, and make sure we have enough supplies and directions, and she's the go-getter who gets the task done, on time, and has fun doing it.

I know enough to not trust people too much. I read, I watch movies, and I pay attention to other people and their lives. But I forget to apply it to my own life sometimes. I need to not be so trusting. Because when people break that trust, even if I should have seen it coming, it hurts. A lot. Why hasn't this lesson sunk in yet?

~thesingingprincess

Ten Completely Random Things About Me That Probably Nobody Knows, Or Cares About

^ You can read the title ^

1. When I was little, my goal in life was to be just like Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle.

2. For my next pet, I want an orange kitten - and his name will be Fitzwilliam.

3. I name my music playlists after people and times of the day. (but not both at the same time)

4. I listen to Avril Lavigne's Let Go cd when I'm upset. I feel she understands.

5. Even though I know it's not possible, and I understand that it is not reality to think this - I still want my life to be a fairy tale. With the dress, and the handsome prince, the singing animals and happy flowers... I'm hopeless.

6. I was 18 years old before I first kissed a boy. And then, it was quite an innocent kiss. :) It helped that my mother was right across the room, lol.

7. If I have to decide between moving to Connecticut and working in Walt Disney World (which I might) I honestly cannot say which one I'd choose.

8. I secretly (well, not so secret anymore I guess) want to be the first woman to play both Glinda and Elphaba in the musical, Wicked. It's not gonna happen, but everyone need a dream, right?

9. I never wanted to be an adult... and now that I've reached that magical age of 18, I still don't want to be an adult. I've been smart all along.

10. I love being up late at night, because it's so peaceful. It's just me and the world... now if I could only figure out how to keep from getting tired when the world and I are connecting.

~thesingingprincess

Journal Assignment For This Week's English Class

In class, we have focused on the two main themes of literature – Love and Death. We have focused on death for a while now, and since I am a young person, this subject doesn’t really interest me. The last person who I knew personally to die was my great grandfather when I was 8 years old. So I am going to focus on what the youth are supposed to focus on – Love. 

 There are so many different kinds of love. Family love. Romantic love. Friendly  love. Lust that we sometimes associate with love. Secret love, open love, and wary love. We love our animals, and sometimes even claim to “love” inanimate objects when they please us enough. But which one of these are ‘true’ love. Are any? 

I love my family. It’s kind of an automatic, biological thing. They were my basis for love when I wasn’t even old enough to know what love was. They helped create my template for love. Next came my animals… my first cat was adored by me, to the point where he couldn’t get away fast enough when he saw me coming. I loved him because he was the first thing that was mine to take care of – he was my first big responsibility, and I loved him for it.  

 As I got older, I found friends that I loved. I didn’t realize until about the age of 13 that it was ok to love people outside your family who wasn’t a ‘significant other’ but when I grasped onto that fact, I ‘fell’ hard. My best friend and I have a love so deep, I pity anyone who would ever try to get in-between it. She’s like a sister – only better, because I chose her. She carries all my secrets, and I hers. She knows my vulnerabilities, and I would trust her with my life. I think she is my purest and truest love – almost family, but not quite. A friend and soulmate. Someone I trust completely and whole-heartedly – and I would do anything for her. 

 Romantic love is a little harder to define. It starts out true, but can quickly turn because of jealousy, or un-trust. It’s immensely hard to trust someone with your whole heart (isn’t that a lovely metaphor?) and once you do, you open yourself to a number of painful situations. That person has the ability to tear you apart with just a few words or actions. And then there’s the lustful love mixed in. You’re not sure whether you really love this person because of their personality and the way they make you a better person – or if it’s just the way they make you feel when you are around them. And you can’t be sure which is which, because of all the feelings swirling around with the thoughts… this may not be the most pure love, but it certainly is the most exciting, and heart-racing. Especially when you find, all of a sudden, your heart has been crushed, and you don’t think you can ever love another again. And that is where Death comes in. 

~thesingingprincess

Peanut Butter Filled Pretzels are an AMAZING Invention,

Have you ever seen a guy wearing anklets? I hadn't, until today. Well, I guess technically, they're tattoos, which is even weirder. But yeah, there's this guy sitting a few chairs down from me, in flip-flops, with these anklets tattooed on his ankles. It's. Really. Weird.

I am sitting here in the quiet room, being quiet - or at least as quiet as one can be when one is eating peanut butter filled pretzels. Which are really yummy, and great, because my tummy was rumbling so loudly everyone in the room could hear it. (all 3 people.) I think I'm going to move onto eating my sandwich now......

I took a walk yesterday in the woods behind school. It was nice - no one else was there because it was misting slightly, so I had them all to myself. I got to walk up and see the road that separates the school from the county jail, which was very exciting. I also got to eat lunch under a tree, which was cool. I haven't done that in a long time - it made me feel like I was on a picnic. Never mind that my butt got soaked.... it was fun. I also read aloud my English assignment. It's so much better when you can read things aloud, I don't understand why after a certain age, you are encouraged to stop reading aloud. It's awesome, because you can make voices for the characters, or find a certain rhythm in the words. Therefore I shall be going out to the woods more often, in order to do my english homework, and read out loud to myself. :)

~thesingingprincess.

Wanting to do something productive, but knowing that I'm not going to.

Hey. I'm here. At school. Wondering if I ought to go outside, but thinking about everything that I would have to pack up and lug around, just to go outside to be blinded by the sun and sit on prickly grass. By myself. With a book. And not a schoolbook, oh no, much worse.

A Meg Cabot book.

So, I think I'm going to stay here, in the cold-ish quiet room, where I can look out at the not-so-happy people outside and imagine being out there... where it probably isn't much warmer anyway. I wish they had lockers, or something here in which to put my stuff. It's really quite cumbersom to have to carry 2 bags around all day from class to class - I don't know how other people do it. I see them walking around with maybe one bag, and a few books, and that's it! Then comes me, with my pink and black flowery backpack, and my Mickey Mouse tote. (ooh - that reminds me. I need to wash the tote when I get home tonight.) But in those bags I have schoolbooks, notebooks, my laptop, and food. The one I wish I could get rid of most is my food. I wish it wasn't nessessary to eat sometime in the 11 hours that I'm here today, because that would really lighten up my load. However, not only do I have to eat, I kind of have to eat two meals. That doesn't happen - I just pack a snacky lunch and nibble on and off between the hours of 1-6:30; but you understand my delimma.

I can't figure out a way to lighten the load either. Since I'm here for such a darn long ime, I have to bring things with which to occupy myself. That means that my computer and textbooks are always with me. And then we have days like today where I'm sooo completely bored that I bring along non-school books.... I think my tote weighs about 20 pounds by itself. And I KNOW my backpack weighs more than that. Thank you lunchbox.

On the bright side, I'm one of the few people in class who are actually prepared. On the downside it leaves me complaining on this blog. Oh well.

Maybe I'll go outside tomorrow.

~thesingingprincess

I have no homework and therefore Emily wanted me to write a blog post.

I'm bored. That's what 16 extra hours at school + 2 homework assignments does to a person. So my dear friend Emily suggested that I blog.... so here I am.

I'm also watching Footloose, and I have decided that I totally should have been a teen in the 80s. I'm going to list my reasons here.

1. Hair. My hair is naturally poofy, and I can tease it like crazy - 80s hair and I were meant for each other. I don't even know how amazingly floofy it would look if I permed it.

2. Clothing. It was comfy, and stylish. Leggings, jeans, and baggy shirts. Baggy shirts are flattering on me - assuming that's the style that's popular at the time, which it isn't exactly at the moment. Heels - for casual wear, AND formal, which you can't really pull off today.

3. Dancing. OBVIOUSLY - every single high school had amazing choreographers who taught all the students to dance... and if they didn't, they got a rebel from 'the city' to come and teach them all to dance.

3. Music. It's still fabulous. Enough said.

4. TV shows. They were totally epic, and still are some of the best things on dvd. Or not on dvd. Like Scarecrow and Mrs. King..... Warner Bros. really needs to get on that.

5. People. People seemed to be more complex and thoughtful, and.... complex. Compare Breakfast Club or Ferris Bueller's Day Off  to High School Musical, or How To Deal. (HSM really isn't that good a comparison... but I couldn't resist)

Also, I think teens had a better grasp on life back then. They had known about the Cold War ever since they were small, and their parents had dealt with the results of WWII. They were seriously worried about the future of the people of their world, because no one knew what the future held. Today the biggest worry of the average 16 year old is what score they'll get on their SATs and what college they can get into.

And can I just say - people danced in the 80s waaay better, and with so much more passion than today. In the movies anyway.

Anyone have a time machine so I can go visit my mom at her high school back in 1986?

~thesingingprincess

Oh Mondays.

I've read ahead in history,

Did all my math homework

Re-read all my english assignments,

Finished ASL stuff,

and now I'm quite, quite bored.

 

I'm sure I'll look back on this time in about 5 weeks and think how lucky I had it, but at the moment, I'm not sure what to do. I'd watch videos... I've actually had a lot of facebook friends upload a videos yesterday and today, but my cat stole my headphones out of spite last week, and I haven't found where he put them yet.

At the moment, I'd like to soliloquize for a bit about people who chew on pens. We all do this - and those who claim they don't, I firmly believe are lying. We all have chewed on a pen, or pencil, or some writing instrument at one point or another in our lives. It happens.

However.

When you chew on your pen loud enough so that someone 4 chairs over can hear you, that's a little too much. It's actually a little too gross, in my humble opinion.

 I am sitting here in the quiet room, doing my own thing, and being very quiet except for the tap-tap-tapping of the computer keys. Which, if you're like me, you tend not to notice too much anyway, as long as the taps are consistent, which I try to keep mine. But the point is - I'm being quiet. Mr. chew-on-my-pen, is NOT being quiet at all - he's chewing very nosily on his pen, and every few minutes he makes these curious sniffing sounds. I'm not sure if they are because he has a cold, or because his book is just that funny, but either way, it's not very polite. I mean - they have choices here. You can go and study in the lounge, or the big glass room if you want to make noise while studying. But not the QUIET room!

He left while I was writing that. Which just goes to show you the power of words.

Except... he was replaced by a guy who smells strongly of cigarette smoke.

fail.

~thesingingprincess

Hot dogs always taste better when roasted over an open fire.

Football started up today.

Well, not really; it's only pre-season, so it doesn't really count as real football as far as I can tell.... but I know nothing on the subject, other than that Mom made hot dogs, which in this household is known as 'football food'.

I generally prefer my hot dogs to me made over a campfire, with some lovely friends or family members roasting with you at the end of a summer day. But that's just me. And it's probably because I don't appreciate football, or something silly like that.

But anyway - we were all in the living room this evening, watching football. I know I've said it before, but this is definitely it - SUMMER IS DEAD.

End of story.

~thesingingprincess

I had an Epiphany at 2 in the morning. As usual.

I hadn't decided what to do with my life until tonight.

I'm serious. I hadn't decided until about 10 minutes ago, what on earth I was going to do with my life.

To tell you the truth.... I still don't really know what I want to do with my life, but I know know exactly how I want to get there.

It's really quite simple actually. So simple, my own mother had already figured it out for me - as if that's even a surprise. She had a good plan all along, and all I needed to do was accept that it was the best course for me.

::sigh::

Why on earth must my mother be right ALL the time? WHY?

I want to be a teacher. Who teaches theater. Now, to do this, I don't want to get a teaching degree, oh no. What I want to do is a Theater degree, specializing in Education. And couldn't you know it, Central Connecticut State University happens to have a Theater degree with a specialization in Education. I have to actually get there somehow though.... well, getting there isn't the problem, it's actually getting the MONEY to get there that I have to worry about. Not to mention all the little hiccups along the way... getting my driver's license ('cuz Virginia is dumb and so am I) finishing up at Piedmont, figuring out the Disney College Program, and all those other little pesky things in life. But I want to do it, and I want to have a reason, and a goal for going up to CT. And, believe it or not, I finally decided that I need to DO something with my life. As much as I like to believe in fairy tales, I need to accept that Prince Charming just isn't going to come around the corner, swoop me up in his arms, and take me back to his castle where we will have 3.5 kids, countless cats, and mice to do all the housecleaning. And I need to plan something other for my life.

So, I'm planning this. I've already started my FAFSA stuff, and looked at some scholarships on the College Board. I need to figure out a timeline, and contact Central. And I should probably inform someone at Piedmont.... but I've had enough ideas and revelations for one night. I'm going to sleep.... ::sigh:: I'm gonna be fun in English class today.

~thesingingprincess

Why on earth do they allow people to eat pickle relish, when other people are around to smell it?

Have you ever noticed the things you can't do when you're tired? I know some people who can't cook when they're tired. They burn things without even noticing, and goodness knows you don't want to give them spices to put on food. Who knows what you'll end up with.
Then there are those who can't hold a decent conversation when they're tired. These people are interesting to talk to, because they always let all kinds of things slip from between their lips; things that you know they would never say under normal circumstances.

Me? I can't do math. I don't have the patience. I try... I'm trying to do my homework right at this moment. But I get fed up, and I can't calculate the darn numbers in my head anymore. Take these past 3 questions. They haven't been easy, but they're not exactly calculus. But I, because I'm fed up with guessing, fall to my old habits of looking at the answer in the back. I still write out the entire problem; but I know the answer, because I looked it up.

It's very frustrating. I know this, and I know I know it. I've been doing this basic math since 5th grade. Yet I let myself get tired, and when I get tired, my patience with math gets horrible.

I see a few options for myself:

a) I get more sleep.
-yeah, like that's gonna happen.

b) Gain more paitence
-I can try.

c) remind myself that I am human and do math in the mornings, when I can concentrate.
-it's feasible

I think C is the best answer at the moment. I need to try A, but this is me... I don't like to sleep. (that's another post) So I just need to accept the fact that I need to do math batween the hours of 10am and 2:30. Past 2:30, I'm totally sunk.

Also - pickle relish shouldn't be allowed in places where I can smell it. Someone in the Commons here is eating something with pickle relish on it, and it REEKS.

~thesingingprincess