I Wonder Why

Sometimes I wonder why I trust people so much. I'm not sure why I do - there are so many people out there with trust complexes, so I would assume that it's rather normal to be un-trusting of people. But then I insisting on seeing the best in people, and being eternally optimistic about things. Even if I don't show it - I'm always looking on the bright side, and hoping that things will turn out for the best.

And who am I to say they don't? When things go bad for me, a lot of the time they turn out excellently for another person. But back to the trust issue.

I'm a rather naive person, I accept this. But I'm really starting to wonder if I have trust issues - but the opposite kind from most people. People make me promises that they don't keep, and I gloss over it. Tell them it's alright, and to forget about it. I'm fine. They lie to me, and once I learn under what circumstances, I'm very forgiving. And trust them again immediately.

I just had a shock come from my best friend. I should have know better, and I should be more understanding, but something in me snapped. I'm sick of hearing her complain about her life, and her friends, and the boys who adore her, and how awful her life is, and how everyone ignores her.... and now she's informed me that she's moving to Utah. Even though all summer she was telling me how very much she wanted us to live together next summer, and that we should go down to Disney, or up to CT, and actually be together for once in our lives, as Best Friends who actually get to see each other more than twice a year.

And I made the mistake of trusting her.

I knew she was just saying it... I purposely didn't go to Casting down at Disney, because I didn't want my heart to be broken; but when she started talking about going to CT for a summer and us living together for only 3 months, I made the mistake of trusting and believing her. I wanted to believe her so much...

We've been best friends for 11 years now - 3 of which we actually lived in the same state. I'm not going to write about how pathetic my life has been without living near my best friend, other than to say that I was sooo excited that she seemed to be serious about us being together for once. In her defense - shes always talked about going west. Something about the mountains and the desert and how beautiful they are. Ugh. All that brown, and it's too big in my opinion. I feel claustrophobic... or I guess whatever the opposite of claustrophobia is, in the desert. It's too big, too brown and not enough trees. And anyway, I thought Arin moving out west was like me wanting to move to London. It's wonderful, absolutely amazing, and the only place where I ever felt as though I completely belonged (I was 12 at the time) but never have I seriously considered actually moving there. It doesn't seem sensible. And I always dreamed of getting a cute little apartment with Arin somewhere and living happy, single lives together with a few cats - I knew this wouldn't happen in London. It couldn't. And I guessed I always assumed that she felt the same way. But... she doesn't.

Arin doesn't need the same people around her all the time. I admire that in her - she is so friendly, and outgoing; she can make friends wherever she goes. You have no idea how many times I wished and prayed for that skill for myself - but it's never happened. I like the same people around me all the time. I like having my little support group of 7-ish people. Arin is independent, and beautiful, and so sure of herself, and she can tell people what do do without sounding like a complete bitch - people usually like it when she gives direction. I'm the exact opposite - I'm always unsure of myself, I hate having to tell people what and how to do things, and when I do, I sound like a complete know-it-all. I love being with her, because we compliment each other so much. I organize, and make sure we have enough supplies and directions, and she's the go-getter who gets the task done, on time, and has fun doing it.

I know enough to not trust people too much. I read, I watch movies, and I pay attention to other people and their lives. But I forget to apply it to my own life sometimes. I need to not be so trusting. Because when people break that trust, even if I should have seen it coming, it hurts. A lot. Why hasn't this lesson sunk in yet?

~thesingingprincess

Ten Completely Random Things About Me That Probably Nobody Knows, Or Cares About

^ You can read the title ^

1. When I was little, my goal in life was to be just like Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle.

2. For my next pet, I want an orange kitten - and his name will be Fitzwilliam.

3. I name my music playlists after people and times of the day. (but not both at the same time)

4. I listen to Avril Lavigne's Let Go cd when I'm upset. I feel she understands.

5. Even though I know it's not possible, and I understand that it is not reality to think this - I still want my life to be a fairy tale. With the dress, and the handsome prince, the singing animals and happy flowers... I'm hopeless.

6. I was 18 years old before I first kissed a boy. And then, it was quite an innocent kiss. :) It helped that my mother was right across the room, lol.

7. If I have to decide between moving to Connecticut and working in Walt Disney World (which I might) I honestly cannot say which one I'd choose.

8. I secretly (well, not so secret anymore I guess) want to be the first woman to play both Glinda and Elphaba in the musical, Wicked. It's not gonna happen, but everyone need a dream, right?

9. I never wanted to be an adult... and now that I've reached that magical age of 18, I still don't want to be an adult. I've been smart all along.

10. I love being up late at night, because it's so peaceful. It's just me and the world... now if I could only figure out how to keep from getting tired when the world and I are connecting.

~thesingingprincess

Journal Assignment For This Week's English Class

In class, we have focused on the two main themes of literature – Love and Death. We have focused on death for a while now, and since I am a young person, this subject doesn’t really interest me. The last person who I knew personally to die was my great grandfather when I was 8 years old. So I am going to focus on what the youth are supposed to focus on – Love. 

 There are so many different kinds of love. Family love. Romantic love. Friendly  love. Lust that we sometimes associate with love. Secret love, open love, and wary love. We love our animals, and sometimes even claim to “love” inanimate objects when they please us enough. But which one of these are ‘true’ love. Are any? 

I love my family. It’s kind of an automatic, biological thing. They were my basis for love when I wasn’t even old enough to know what love was. They helped create my template for love. Next came my animals… my first cat was adored by me, to the point where he couldn’t get away fast enough when he saw me coming. I loved him because he was the first thing that was mine to take care of – he was my first big responsibility, and I loved him for it.  

 As I got older, I found friends that I loved. I didn’t realize until about the age of 13 that it was ok to love people outside your family who wasn’t a ‘significant other’ but when I grasped onto that fact, I ‘fell’ hard. My best friend and I have a love so deep, I pity anyone who would ever try to get in-between it. She’s like a sister – only better, because I chose her. She carries all my secrets, and I hers. She knows my vulnerabilities, and I would trust her with my life. I think she is my purest and truest love – almost family, but not quite. A friend and soulmate. Someone I trust completely and whole-heartedly – and I would do anything for her. 

 Romantic love is a little harder to define. It starts out true, but can quickly turn because of jealousy, or un-trust. It’s immensely hard to trust someone with your whole heart (isn’t that a lovely metaphor?) and once you do, you open yourself to a number of painful situations. That person has the ability to tear you apart with just a few words or actions. And then there’s the lustful love mixed in. You’re not sure whether you really love this person because of their personality and the way they make you a better person – or if it’s just the way they make you feel when you are around them. And you can’t be sure which is which, because of all the feelings swirling around with the thoughts… this may not be the most pure love, but it certainly is the most exciting, and heart-racing. Especially when you find, all of a sudden, your heart has been crushed, and you don’t think you can ever love another again. And that is where Death comes in. 

~thesingingprincess

Peanut Butter Filled Pretzels are an AMAZING Invention,

Have you ever seen a guy wearing anklets? I hadn't, until today. Well, I guess technically, they're tattoos, which is even weirder. But yeah, there's this guy sitting a few chairs down from me, in flip-flops, with these anklets tattooed on his ankles. It's. Really. Weird.

I am sitting here in the quiet room, being quiet - or at least as quiet as one can be when one is eating peanut butter filled pretzels. Which are really yummy, and great, because my tummy was rumbling so loudly everyone in the room could hear it. (all 3 people.) I think I'm going to move onto eating my sandwich now......

I took a walk yesterday in the woods behind school. It was nice - no one else was there because it was misting slightly, so I had them all to myself. I got to walk up and see the road that separates the school from the county jail, which was very exciting. I also got to eat lunch under a tree, which was cool. I haven't done that in a long time - it made me feel like I was on a picnic. Never mind that my butt got soaked.... it was fun. I also read aloud my English assignment. It's so much better when you can read things aloud, I don't understand why after a certain age, you are encouraged to stop reading aloud. It's awesome, because you can make voices for the characters, or find a certain rhythm in the words. Therefore I shall be going out to the woods more often, in order to do my english homework, and read out loud to myself. :)

~thesingingprincess.

Wanting to do something productive, but knowing that I'm not going to.

Hey. I'm here. At school. Wondering if I ought to go outside, but thinking about everything that I would have to pack up and lug around, just to go outside to be blinded by the sun and sit on prickly grass. By myself. With a book. And not a schoolbook, oh no, much worse.

A Meg Cabot book.

So, I think I'm going to stay here, in the cold-ish quiet room, where I can look out at the not-so-happy people outside and imagine being out there... where it probably isn't much warmer anyway. I wish they had lockers, or something here in which to put my stuff. It's really quite cumbersom to have to carry 2 bags around all day from class to class - I don't know how other people do it. I see them walking around with maybe one bag, and a few books, and that's it! Then comes me, with my pink and black flowery backpack, and my Mickey Mouse tote. (ooh - that reminds me. I need to wash the tote when I get home tonight.) But in those bags I have schoolbooks, notebooks, my laptop, and food. The one I wish I could get rid of most is my food. I wish it wasn't nessessary to eat sometime in the 11 hours that I'm here today, because that would really lighten up my load. However, not only do I have to eat, I kind of have to eat two meals. That doesn't happen - I just pack a snacky lunch and nibble on and off between the hours of 1-6:30; but you understand my delimma.

I can't figure out a way to lighten the load either. Since I'm here for such a darn long ime, I have to bring things with which to occupy myself. That means that my computer and textbooks are always with me. And then we have days like today where I'm sooo completely bored that I bring along non-school books.... I think my tote weighs about 20 pounds by itself. And I KNOW my backpack weighs more than that. Thank you lunchbox.

On the bright side, I'm one of the few people in class who are actually prepared. On the downside it leaves me complaining on this blog. Oh well.

Maybe I'll go outside tomorrow.

~thesingingprincess

I have no homework and therefore Emily wanted me to write a blog post.

I'm bored. That's what 16 extra hours at school + 2 homework assignments does to a person. So my dear friend Emily suggested that I blog.... so here I am.

I'm also watching Footloose, and I have decided that I totally should have been a teen in the 80s. I'm going to list my reasons here.

1. Hair. My hair is naturally poofy, and I can tease it like crazy - 80s hair and I were meant for each other. I don't even know how amazingly floofy it would look if I permed it.

2. Clothing. It was comfy, and stylish. Leggings, jeans, and baggy shirts. Baggy shirts are flattering on me - assuming that's the style that's popular at the time, which it isn't exactly at the moment. Heels - for casual wear, AND formal, which you can't really pull off today.

3. Dancing. OBVIOUSLY - every single high school had amazing choreographers who taught all the students to dance... and if they didn't, they got a rebel from 'the city' to come and teach them all to dance.

3. Music. It's still fabulous. Enough said.

4. TV shows. They were totally epic, and still are some of the best things on dvd. Or not on dvd. Like Scarecrow and Mrs. King..... Warner Bros. really needs to get on that.

5. People. People seemed to be more complex and thoughtful, and.... complex. Compare Breakfast Club or Ferris Bueller's Day Off  to High School Musical, or How To Deal. (HSM really isn't that good a comparison... but I couldn't resist)

Also, I think teens had a better grasp on life back then. They had known about the Cold War ever since they were small, and their parents had dealt with the results of WWII. They were seriously worried about the future of the people of their world, because no one knew what the future held. Today the biggest worry of the average 16 year old is what score they'll get on their SATs and what college they can get into.

And can I just say - people danced in the 80s waaay better, and with so much more passion than today. In the movies anyway.

Anyone have a time machine so I can go visit my mom at her high school back in 1986?

~thesingingprincess