I Wonder Why

Sometimes I wonder why I trust people so much. I'm not sure why I do - there are so many people out there with trust complexes, so I would assume that it's rather normal to be un-trusting of people. But then I insisting on seeing the best in people, and being eternally optimistic about things. Even if I don't show it - I'm always looking on the bright side, and hoping that things will turn out for the best.

And who am I to say they don't? When things go bad for me, a lot of the time they turn out excellently for another person. But back to the trust issue.

I'm a rather naive person, I accept this. But I'm really starting to wonder if I have trust issues - but the opposite kind from most people. People make me promises that they don't keep, and I gloss over it. Tell them it's alright, and to forget about it. I'm fine. They lie to me, and once I learn under what circumstances, I'm very forgiving. And trust them again immediately.

I just had a shock come from my best friend. I should have know better, and I should be more understanding, but something in me snapped. I'm sick of hearing her complain about her life, and her friends, and the boys who adore her, and how awful her life is, and how everyone ignores her.... and now she's informed me that she's moving to Utah. Even though all summer she was telling me how very much she wanted us to live together next summer, and that we should go down to Disney, or up to CT, and actually be together for once in our lives, as Best Friends who actually get to see each other more than twice a year.

And I made the mistake of trusting her.

I knew she was just saying it... I purposely didn't go to Casting down at Disney, because I didn't want my heart to be broken; but when she started talking about going to CT for a summer and us living together for only 3 months, I made the mistake of trusting and believing her. I wanted to believe her so much...

We've been best friends for 11 years now - 3 of which we actually lived in the same state. I'm not going to write about how pathetic my life has been without living near my best friend, other than to say that I was sooo excited that she seemed to be serious about us being together for once. In her defense - shes always talked about going west. Something about the mountains and the desert and how beautiful they are. Ugh. All that brown, and it's too big in my opinion. I feel claustrophobic... or I guess whatever the opposite of claustrophobia is, in the desert. It's too big, too brown and not enough trees. And anyway, I thought Arin moving out west was like me wanting to move to London. It's wonderful, absolutely amazing, and the only place where I ever felt as though I completely belonged (I was 12 at the time) but never have I seriously considered actually moving there. It doesn't seem sensible. And I always dreamed of getting a cute little apartment with Arin somewhere and living happy, single lives together with a few cats - I knew this wouldn't happen in London. It couldn't. And I guessed I always assumed that she felt the same way. But... she doesn't.

Arin doesn't need the same people around her all the time. I admire that in her - she is so friendly, and outgoing; she can make friends wherever she goes. You have no idea how many times I wished and prayed for that skill for myself - but it's never happened. I like the same people around me all the time. I like having my little support group of 7-ish people. Arin is independent, and beautiful, and so sure of herself, and she can tell people what do do without sounding like a complete bitch - people usually like it when she gives direction. I'm the exact opposite - I'm always unsure of myself, I hate having to tell people what and how to do things, and when I do, I sound like a complete know-it-all. I love being with her, because we compliment each other so much. I organize, and make sure we have enough supplies and directions, and she's the go-getter who gets the task done, on time, and has fun doing it.

I know enough to not trust people too much. I read, I watch movies, and I pay attention to other people and their lives. But I forget to apply it to my own life sometimes. I need to not be so trusting. Because when people break that trust, even if I should have seen it coming, it hurts. A lot. Why hasn't this lesson sunk in yet?

~thesingingprincess