When everyone has gone to sleep and you are wide awake there's no one left to tell your troubles to.

 Well I guess there are people still awake, but I'm not supposed to be.

Eh. I'll get started on this early bedtime stuff tomorrow.

I've had another one of those nights. One of those where you are presented with something big at 9pm, and you can't stop thinking about it 3 hours later. (plus, I kinda have to re-do my paper. again. it's proving rather difficult)

I think so much better at night. I do my best thinking between the hours of 10 and 1. Which is why I have procrastinate until now to get this paper done... my work is so much better when I have a deadline pressing down on me, and it's night. Which kinda sucks. Because I've tried to be a good student, and do things ahead of time, but my creative process just won't allow it! You scoff and laugh, but it's true. Very, very annoyingly true.

So, my SAD has started up, as you may have noticed by my lack of writing. It hate it, but there's really nothing I can do about it until it wears out. It's quite tiring being depressed all the time. It's funny how much energy goes into doing nothing. I feel lonely, tired, sad, angry, melancholy.... mainly lonely. And I don't want to do anything. It's weird. Usually I'll drag myself downstairs to get something to eat if I'm hungery, or schoolwork if I'm bored, (or if I actually need to do homework) or call someone if I want to talk to them. But with this depression-thing, I let myself be hungry, won't do my homework until absolutely necessary, and I spent about an hour staring at my phone, scrolling through my contacts yesterday... but not dialing a number.

*sigh*

It'll go away. It always does. It also gets worse every year, but that's neither here or there. My parents want me to see a doctor, and they've suggested everything from a normal doctor to homeopathic and/or acupuncture (which, frankly, sounds really cool to me) to a psychologist. I don't know what I need. I don't want to be put on antidepressants, or any other kind of medication. I do think a homeopathic doctor sounds really cool, but I don't believe we have one on the insurance plan. :(  And I've always been wary about seeing a psychologist. I would appreciate it... but I'm scared that I'll start psychoanalyzing myself more than I already do. Which would not be a good thing. I think. And anyway, as I said, it'll go away. I just need to stop forgetting about it... and try to focus more, and to actually do my schoolwork. Well, I do do it. and it's always on time - it's always just on time. And I'm trying I really am! This is just so weird for me. I've been this depressed before, but it usually goes away after 2 days or so. At the moment, my depression is going on 11 days. It's so odd. I don't like this feeling of un-control over my mind. I want to force myself back to normality, but nothing I do works.

side note - I did do my laundry today. That was good. I like having clean sheets.

I also don't like the fact that I can't sleep. Even if I turn out the light and turn off the computer, I cannot sleep. I lie there thinking about how I should be sleeping, and thinking that I am asleep, but realizing that I'm staring at the wall. And as I said, I received things to think about tonight. They really shouldn't matter, but I'll be thinking about it for a few days to come anyway. (p.s. just so you know, if you lie to my face, I automatically hate you. there. I've given people fair warning)

All I want is to take a train to Pennsylvania or Connecticut and spend a weekend with people who love me. Not that my family doesn't love me, but I see them every day. They annoy me just as much as I annoy them. Also, I'm ready for some new scenery. I've been in Virginia for two months now, and I'm ready to go visit somewhere different. That's the cool thing about New England; you only have to drive an hour and then you're in a completely different state! Here, everything looks the same, and the people are the same, and the only thing that seems different is me. My evil moods making me cranky and grumpy and depressed, while all around me people continue on their boring albeit normal lives.

Grr. I think I probably need to stop now. I'm going to print out this paper, and then go to bed. Comments would be appreciated - do you struggle with any of this too? Insomnia, SAD, loneliness, annoyance with family, even the whole 'hating those who lie to your face.' (well. it wasn't exactly my face. but it was close enough.) I'd like to know that there are other out there who feel the same way I do. I don't know of it would make me feel better exactly, but I'm not naive in thinking that I'm the only one who feels the way I do. :)

~thesingingprincess