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1) I hate school with a passion.

2) I'm sick and tired of people asking when my wedding is going to be.

3) I've become aware in the past day about the HUGE different between the money I 'want' and the money I 'need'.

4) I have no time for anything anymore between family, school and religion.

5) I got my first speeding ticket Thursday.

6) I'm going to my FIRST EVER dance on Saturday. It's prom-themed. I'm psyched.

7) Photography has taken a back seat in my life and that makes me really sad.

8) I just realized that my best friend is getting married in 7 months. And I'm the maid of honor. I need to start looking for a dress......

9) In exactly 5 weeks, I will be in California.

10) Hopefully this makes you happy Sarah B. :P

Growing up

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Growing up is hard.

I never want to grow up!

You have to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.

A grownup is a child with layers on.

Growing up is a process, not an event. 

Growing old is mandatory - growing up is optional. 

 All of these quotes have to do with growing up. Something that had become inevitable for me, especially in the past month or so. My friends are getting older (both with me, and I've been attracted to/attracting older people) my ideas are changing, I'm moving away from my family, and the ideals that I've had in the past. I would consider that 'gorwin up'

 At the same time... my thoughts have taken a nostalgic turn. I'm looking to what I thought in the past I'd have by the time I got here. I'm remembering my fairy tales more than I have in a very long time. I've been thinking about the list of jobs I used to have, ready for anyone who asked "a horseback rider, a ballerina, a trumpet player, a tap dancer, a movie maker, an actress..." What happened to that? I know so many reasons why I can't be any of those things, but that doesn't help me know what I can do. 

 I know I want to grow up, and become an adult. I'm legally there, but I don't know if I'm emotionally there yet. I'm still living with my parents, I still have home chores to do, I haven't gotten a 'real' job yes (although I'm working on it!) and - I don't have a license. However, I'm determined to take this summer to grow up. I've done one of the hardest things I've had to do so far in my life, which was breaking up with my wonderful, kind, supportive, boyfriend. I've been thinking for a while, and I knew that so long as I had someone else to look out for, I wouldn't be able to do the kind of growing I wanted to do - I'd just stay in the same place I was at the end of last summer. And now.... I'm kind of lost. I've done what I had to do to get where I want to go, and now I don't know how to implement what I've done. 

I know I want to find myself - but where does one start searching for themselves? Should I start at a place? A memory? Start actively making new memories? Rekindle old ones? Look for something I've never experienced, or try things that I used to love? That's what I need to figure out now. I'm not sure where to start, but I'm taking May to try and decide where that starting point is. And hopefully I can take off and grow up from there? We'll see... it's going to be an adventure!

Tears = Stress

"Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it." Albert Smith


Tears are something I've been dealing with a lot in the past few weeks or so. It's become a normal part of my routine - wake up with tears dried on my face from a bad dream, eat, go to school, cry sometime during the day because of class, or something I didn't/did do, or just because I can't hold them in anymore. Rehearsal, cry. Home, homework, cry, say goodnight, cry myself to sleep. 


 It does come in spurts - some days I'll only cry once or twice. Other days it's once an hour. But I don't like how they've become so frequent, and I'm still surprised by how fast they come on. More than once I've had to run out of dance class, for absolutely no reason other than tears started welling up in my eyes, and I couldn't control it. It's very frustrating. 


 Everything I've read about this, claims that it's from stress. No, duh? Every single week, I go in to see my chiropractor, and he exclaims with surprise (yet again) that my neck is tight, and asks why. Every. Week. Yes, I'm stressed. I'm taking 5 classes, opening for a play for which no-one is prepared in 5 days, trying to remain sane around my family and friends, keeping up a long distance relationship.... several in fact, counting friends, attempting to figure out religious problems I've been having. I'm also trying very very hard to make up a 2-5year life plan for myself. So yes. I'm a little stressed. 


 I don't know what the point of this entry is. To re-assure myself that it's ok to be this way? To think it's normal? Is it normal? I don't know. All I know is, I really hate crying. 

I miss you...

If you're reading this, chances are that I miss you. I've been missing a lot of people lately. I don't know what it is - maybe it was having Aaron down here for a week? Usually when I see my people, it's up where they are in PA or CT. Having him down was something totally different. He was in *my* space, something that hasn't happened since... I don't know. A very very long time.

I opened a box tonight. It's a box that I've been keeping select things in ever since I moved. it has letters from people (mostly Spencer and Arin) and little things that I slipped in over the past 3 years. It's hard to believe it's been three whole years. I hadn't opened the box before, I would just put something in it, and then put it back in the closet. I decided that I needed to look at it today, out of boredom or loneliness or missing-ness... I don't know. I opened it, and the first thing that I noticed was a little rubber duck in a graduation cap from Spencer's graduation last June, and a receipt for and Arizona Green Tea and an Arnold Palmer from last august, when Aaron and I went to Stop and Shop when we were practically dehydrated. It's amazing how many memories this brings back. I have cards from Arin and Spencer, ticket stubs, and a few programs. Also - a card from when I did Annie. On the front it has lines from the play, and inside it says "Sarah, your voice is so pretty! I want to be like you when I grow up! Love, Grace."

I miss my 'family' up north. I get rather jealous of Spencer who is going to college 45 minutes away from his home. He can go home on the weekends and watch the productions his friends are in, and he has a (fairly) healthy mix of college friends and old friends. I don't like that so much of my life is cyber-linked, but I can't help it. I don't want to lose the good friends I do have, and to do so I have to keep things up-to-date online. When Aaron was here, I spent hardly any time on the computer, which I loved. However, after he left, I returned to my internet crutch, and and now on constantly, 24/7.

Soooo yeah. I miss peoples. I want to be able to be there for people when they're in shows, or take my friends out for ice cream after a test gone bad. For now I have to make do with a smiley face or a 'missing you!' on a status update.

I can't wait to move back home.

Picture-postcard

This week needs to be over soon.

^^
The title says it all.

Happy Thursday.

Who am I?

 This is a bit of a response  to my friend Sarah's post. She talked about the type/kind of person she is, and I thought that might be a good subject for me to dwell on for a bit. I've been thinking a lot about that in the past couple months. Especially when I found out that there were a few people *cough* person *cough* who informed people around me that I had a few traits that I didn't realize about myself.

 I like to think about myself as an open person. I will admit that I'm a bit judging in certain areas - for instance, if I'm in a classroom, I gravitate toward the type pf people who are paying attention and listening to the lecture, rather than those who are clowning around and making a ruckus in the back of the room. I like things to be straightforward and clear. I like taking direction, but if I am forced to, I can give it as well. I don't like arguing and will do almost anything to get out of it - including admitting to something being my fault, even if I truly believe it isn't.

 I took the MyType quiz on facebook, and found out that I am a Nurturer. No big surprise there - in my circle of friends, I'm usually the 'mother' type, making sure that people have enough food, have put their dishes in the sink, and are thinking their decisions thought before executing them. I'm introverted - also not a surprise. HOWEVER - I took this quiz last fall, and according to this, my introverted-ness has gone down by 20%, so that's probably a good thing. It's still pretty high up there though.

 I'm a Sensor. "People who are clearly Sensors are down to earth and sensible. They trust facts and experience over ideas and imagination, and have a knack for noticing and remembering details. They focus on the present and living life as it is, holding tradition in high regard." I think that this one is also true, which is a bit surprising. Anyone who knows me, knows my love for fantasy, and fairy tales and anything Disney. I would say though, that those are part of my regard for tradition - there is a reason the story of Cinderella has been told in thousands of languages for hundreds of years. Through fantasy, people and connect and relate to reality.

 I'm a Feeler. "People who are clearly Feelers are very supportive and appreciative of others, making those around them feel comfortable and welcome at all times. They prefer to avoid conflict and instead focus on the positive. They are very people-oriented and can quickly read a person's emotional state before a word is exchanged." This goes along with being a Nurturer. I like to make sure that people are comfortable at all times, and I will go to lengths to make sure that. The downside to this, is when people talk to me and I read into their emotions instead of their words. This TOTALLY works with females.... not so much with males.

 I'm also a Judger. "Judgers like to keep track of things so that they're not caught off-guard or unprepared, and for the same reason tend not to leave a decision up in the air or an issue unresolved. While they appreciate flexibility, even a little spontaneity, they're most comfortable when they're in control." Note - this does NOT say that I judge people. Being a judger means that I don't appreciate doing "whatever, whenever". It means that I like to keep track of dates, and turn in assignments on time, and I don't like people being flakes. It means that I like to know what's going on. All of this I completely agree with. Nowhere on this personality test does it say that I take one look at a person, and decide that I don't like them because of the way they look and talk. Now, sometimes that has something do with why I don't like a person, but it's never the whole reason.

I just wanted to clear that up.

 I think I finally like the person I am becoming. I didn't like the person I was for such a long time - from 14 to 18, I was constantly telling myself not to become what I saw myself being in the future. I saw myself as a cynical, lonely introvert, who would be living with her cats for the rest of her life. I think I've finally broken myself out of that mold. I see myself now as a strong, independent, careful, and kind young woman. I've made some mistakes in life, and I'm fairly sure that I'll be making some more along the road - but I've learned from all the mistakes I've made, and I have very few regrets about my life so far. And that makes me happy. I don't care that I'm insignificant to the world at large. I've never wanted to be famous, and I probably won't ever be. And I'm ok with that. I have my set of friends. I love my family, and my boyfriend and my kitty. And if this is the 'greatest' I ever am as a person (although I would like to aim for a bit more) I'm totally ok with that.

Information Literacy class

 I don't understand why I go to college with such stupid people. Before class today, there was a sign on the class room door that said 'Go To Library'. As usual, I was the first person to arrive in the hall, and I sat down, and started going over dance vocabulary. Three minutes later, these two guys (who apparently are in my class, although I didn't recall seeing them before) came over and wondered of the notice was for them to get to the library.

 Ms. K. has only been telling us for the past 4 or so classes about how her 9am class was going to be held at the libary today. But whatever. I told the two boys that no,  the sign was for the class ahead of ours, and that we were going to be in our normal classroom.

 I then went back to my vocab, and they went to talking about class, and one of the guys was like "yea, today's when we finish that horse farm flyer, right?" The other guy informed him "dude, no, we were supposed to submit it today. We're gonna do a new flyer in class."

 I wanted to do a facepalm. a) I had that first assignment in a week ago, and b) I started that second one two classes ago. I stopped when it became apparent that I'd have nothing to do in class today. Instead, I did the weekend's homework, because almost everyone else was working on the first flyer.

 This is an easy class. And the teacher makes it even easier - she's always pushing back our deadlines, and because of the snow, she's been extra easy on absences and late assignments.

 And people are failing this class!!

 I don't understand it at all. Maybe it'll get harder later on, but this is easily the sasiest class I've taken here so far. Sure there's a little bit of technical reading. And yeah, you have to be able to follow directions to the letter. But other than that. It's not that hard.  

Why do I keep having no-good-very-bad days?

I don't understand it.

I thought this was when life started getting better. It's February, which is supposed to be the turning point. I'm supposed to be saying "look, only one more month until Spring officially starts, I can make it!" and put a huge smile on, and have fun at school, and be all happy since my boyfriend's coming at the end of the month, and I have that to which I can look forward.... right?!!

But no. Ever since I've come home, I've had nothing but complaints for school and what's going on around me. Even I'm starting to get tired of my complaints. I don't want to have headaches, or for my leg to hurt, simply because when people ask "how are you feeling?" (which seems to happen a lot with me for some reason) I don't want to have to say anything other than "good".

I don't like not liking school. I'm suck here, that's a fact, so you'd THINK that I would learn to enjoy it, right? You would, in fact, be thinking wrong. I don't like being surrounded by people my age all day long. I try to make up for that by spending most of my time in the quiet room, but there are still plenty of people in here, they just don't talk. I also just plain don't like the school environment. A bunch of people my age, half of whom smoke, 90%  of whom use awful language (and by this, I mean anything from bad grammar to four letter words) and most of whom probably don't even know who Cary Grant IS?!!! Plus the teachers, snobby facility workers, and the occasional homeschooled middle schooler... actually. My best moment that I had today was when I was talking to a 7th grade boy about homeschooling.

I can't wait until I'm out of here. The fact that I know I can graduate in a year is seriously the ONLY think keeping me going right now. If I didn't know that for a fact, I really can't tell you what I would be doing right now, but I'm determined to get this degree, only because then I can leave.

I'd much rather have a headache over something real, like a child's over-medicated ADHD disorder, or how I'm going to manage to fix my heating and buy groceries in the same week. Not over whether or not my dance teacher likes the approach I'm taking with my essays every week, or looking through a textbook in IT to attempt to figure out why I need to know the reason a computer monitor is both an input and output source. Both of those are good to know, but they're really not worth having all-day headaches over.

Cooking with the Sarahs

Here we have a few pictures of Sarah and me from a night that we decided to do the cooking. We made a bunch of yummy stuff, but since I'm off to math class soon, I'm just going to let the pictures speak for themselves.

~Sarahbeth

School - AGAIN

So, I'm back at the government institution that sucks the living soul out of my body every time I walk in the doors.

Well. That might be a little dramatic......

Nah.

I'm thinking that starting your semester with tears isn't the best way to start off. The first class this morning was fine. I didn't appreciate the fact that I had to carry about 40 pounds of stuff around; but my tech class was ok. It seems like it'll be boring with a good amount of homework. Which is fine. Dance seems like a lot of homework too, but I like the fact that I'm moving again... and it's TWO days a week! Which means that I'm going to shed these extra 10 pounds, which is a good thing. Then today I had a meeting for my theater club. I was promoted to president, woohoo. All it means is that no one is volunteering for any positions in the club, and people are dropping like flies. So I'm left to pick up the slack. muchos fun.

The worst part of the day was my math class. Now when I signed up for it, I was told that the teacher was a bit dry, so I thought I had adequate warning. But nothing could have warned me for this woman. I went into the classroom, and she had name-cards on the desk. And we needed to write our names on both sides, so she could see them if she walked up and down the aisles. (um - she didn't) We took an 'evaluation' test first thing, for which of course I panicked, and since she went over the answers immediately after, I realized how badly I did. And it was because the test was the first thing... if I had taken the test at the end of class, I would have been absolutely fine. The teacher is awful. She made me feel like I was back in middle school again. Which I think is the worst thing you can probably say about a teacher. The class started at 2, and by 3 I was fighting back tears, and by 3:30 I was counting down the minutes until I could get out of there.

So now I have my ASL class to look forward to. I've forgotten most of the stuff that we learned from last semester, but I think I'll be able to remember it pretty quickly. Hopefully.

Thoughts...

So I'm here at Sarah's house. She's singing along to Rent - I don't know it well enough to sing along to anything other than Seasons Of Love. Which is sad. I'm not sure how I can call myself a musical theatre junkie since I can't do that..... oh sigh. Oh well. Apparently I'm going to see it soon, so I have that to look forward to.

These past two weeks have flown by so fast. The week with Arin was fun, but at the same time a little bittersweet. We're both growing up. And I can see that most when I'm with her, probably because I've been visiting her house since I was really little. I can see the change between 11 year old Sarah and Arin, and 18 year old Sarah and Arin, and it saddens me. We've grown apart in a lot of ways. I'm wondering if we never were that similar, we just thought we were during those insecure middle and high-school years. Now I can see huge differences. She wants to be rebel against most forms of authority. I like authority. In fact, sometimes I crave authority. There was one point during my visit where Mrs. Warren was trying to get us to eat supper... nothing too drastic that I could tell, but Arin got so upset and told her mom that she'd eat when she wanted. It's just dinner for goodness sake!

 I'm grateful for the relationship that I have with my parents. I appreciate their authority. They don't give me too much of it (in my opinion, although that opinion might be changed when I get home) and I respect them enough to take what I think isn't necessary. I think it's a pretty good system. I avoid argument, and manage to stay on their good side most of the time. I think they get mad at me more than I get mad at them. Well. Mad isn't even the right word. I think they get frustrated with me. I get frustrated every once in a while, but I would never argue back the Arin does with her parents. What's the point? Frankly, I don't care that I'm now 18, and a legal adult. They're still my parents, and I'm still living in their house. I see no point in arguing about something when I know what the answer will be.

 There's much more to this post - the fact that Arin is so against authority that she's now mad at me for being a 'mom' - but it's exhausting. It's been stressing me out for the past week, and I just can't take it anymore. I appreciate authority. She does not. End of story.

 Maybe next time I'll actually post about my visit. :P