Growing up

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Growing up is hard.

I never want to grow up!

You have to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.

A grownup is a child with layers on.

Growing up is a process, not an event. 

Growing old is mandatory - growing up is optional. 

 All of these quotes have to do with growing up. Something that had become inevitable for me, especially in the past month or so. My friends are getting older (both with me, and I've been attracted to/attracting older people) my ideas are changing, I'm moving away from my family, and the ideals that I've had in the past. I would consider that 'gorwin up'

 At the same time... my thoughts have taken a nostalgic turn. I'm looking to what I thought in the past I'd have by the time I got here. I'm remembering my fairy tales more than I have in a very long time. I've been thinking about the list of jobs I used to have, ready for anyone who asked "a horseback rider, a ballerina, a trumpet player, a tap dancer, a movie maker, an actress..." What happened to that? I know so many reasons why I can't be any of those things, but that doesn't help me know what I can do. 

 I know I want to grow up, and become an adult. I'm legally there, but I don't know if I'm emotionally there yet. I'm still living with my parents, I still have home chores to do, I haven't gotten a 'real' job yes (although I'm working on it!) and - I don't have a license. However, I'm determined to take this summer to grow up. I've done one of the hardest things I've had to do so far in my life, which was breaking up with my wonderful, kind, supportive, boyfriend. I've been thinking for a while, and I knew that so long as I had someone else to look out for, I wouldn't be able to do the kind of growing I wanted to do - I'd just stay in the same place I was at the end of last summer. And now.... I'm kind of lost. I've done what I had to do to get where I want to go, and now I don't know how to implement what I've done. 

I know I want to find myself - but where does one start searching for themselves? Should I start at a place? A memory? Start actively making new memories? Rekindle old ones? Look for something I've never experienced, or try things that I used to love? That's what I need to figure out now. I'm not sure where to start, but I'm taking May to try and decide where that starting point is. And hopefully I can take off and grow up from there? We'll see... it's going to be an adventure!

Tears = Stress

"Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it." Albert Smith


Tears are something I've been dealing with a lot in the past few weeks or so. It's become a normal part of my routine - wake up with tears dried on my face from a bad dream, eat, go to school, cry sometime during the day because of class, or something I didn't/did do, or just because I can't hold them in anymore. Rehearsal, cry. Home, homework, cry, say goodnight, cry myself to sleep. 


 It does come in spurts - some days I'll only cry once or twice. Other days it's once an hour. But I don't like how they've become so frequent, and I'm still surprised by how fast they come on. More than once I've had to run out of dance class, for absolutely no reason other than tears started welling up in my eyes, and I couldn't control it. It's very frustrating. 


 Everything I've read about this, claims that it's from stress. No, duh? Every single week, I go in to see my chiropractor, and he exclaims with surprise (yet again) that my neck is tight, and asks why. Every. Week. Yes, I'm stressed. I'm taking 5 classes, opening for a play for which no-one is prepared in 5 days, trying to remain sane around my family and friends, keeping up a long distance relationship.... several in fact, counting friends, attempting to figure out religious problems I've been having. I'm also trying very very hard to make up a 2-5year life plan for myself. So yes. I'm a little stressed. 


 I don't know what the point of this entry is. To re-assure myself that it's ok to be this way? To think it's normal? Is it normal? I don't know. All I know is, I really hate crying.