Waiting in the nest

So I should be studying.

Especially since I've only a and hour and a half left in which to study, then I need to get up, to go work, and hopefully get off of work in time to change before my test. Then, I go to my other work, and hopefully come back with enough time in which to study for my next test.

My goal is to get C's in these two classes. As long as I pass and graduate...although it'd make my transcript (pardon me) totally suck.

But I was actually coming here to say something good. I need tobe thinking more positively, so while I'd like to punch something right now, I'm going to take the positive side of the road, and tell about the birdies. We had a nest of birds in a planter on our porch, and Rachel and mom have been watching them since before they hatched. Apparently almost all of them left the nest today... all except Benjamin. According to Mom, he was the last one hatched, and his mom is still feeding him yummy grubs, and doesn't seem to mind him staying.  All of his brothers and sisters left, probably not to return, but he's huddled in the bottom of the nest, looking very small without his brothers and sisters there to crowd around him,

Sometimes I feel like that bird. Flapping my wings, and wanting to leave, because everyone else has! But I end up huddled in the bottom of the nest, disappointed in myself, but unwilling to leave.

Benjamin will probably wrack up the courage to leave tomorrow. He just needs a little bit to adjust, to get himself used to the idea of flying out on his own. Pretty soon he'll find a pretty mate, and next year who knows? Maybe he'll be back at the planter, helping his children leave the nest. Thank goodness our lives aren't as quick as a wren's but they all follow a similar pattern.We all need to learn how to use our wings to glide on the air, and get strong enough to leave. Goodness knows I'm striving to do so.... I just need to stay huddled in this nest a few days longer. All by myself, waiting for that last bit of food, and then the nudge to open my wings and fly.

Wishful thinking

You know how I said I'd be done soon? Well, it happened today. I said "I'm DONE" to myself, and was all set to walk away from life, rev my engine and cut class to go driving in the mountains.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) for me, my fiancé is not one to leave a problem unsolved. Where I would leave in the middle of a temper flair-up and just leave the situation, he stops, (after getting everything out of course) takes a breath, and calms down so we can talk again. I know this is a good thing - from experience, I know a relationship where both walk away from problems without resolution is poison for a healthy relationship. Even though talking sucks, and is torture in the moment, it's so much better afterwards. So I haven't thrown in the towel just yet, but let me tell you, I got so close today. I don't think I like the feeling.

I'm also looking at things that depress me: http://invitations.bedbathandbeyond.com/Wedding-Invitations/DestinationsBeach-Invitations/2874-RXWA0811P-Captured--Wedding-Invitation.pro
and
http://invitations.bedbathandbeyond.com/Wedding-Invitations/View-All-Wedding-Invitations/2874-RXWA0791V-Detail--Vertical-Wedding-Invitation.pro

 We need to get a date together for this darn thing. And by we, I mean me. It's getting to be torture not knowing, and just kinda floating here in this space. My parents are not going to be happy no matter what, and I've even considered eloping. Except now that Thomas has gotten into his school, the only time we could elope is in June.

Um. No.

Maybe Christmas break? That's an idea...... hmmmmm.

Anyway. Back to the grind. I skipped class this evening so that I could study.

HA.

Smiles :)

Even after a night like tonight (we're both tired, grumpy, and frustrated. Not a good mix), I cannot wait for life like this:  http://courtney-startingout.blogspot.com/2011/04/day-in-life-newlyweds.html

?

When do you know it's just time to throw in the towel? Is there a certain time when you say "I'm DONE."?

I am approaching that point very fast it seems.

Wait for it....

Disney

Disney is magic. We all are taught this from an early age, no matter what our circumstance. Either you're like me and Disney is a magical wonderland of princesses and talking animals, wonderful songs and pretty dresses; or you're like my friends who weren't allowed to watch anything Disney - it was a stolen pleasure where you could let your imagination wander for a while.

Disney has been my dream ever since I can remember. Funnily enough, even though I've thought about working there on and off for the past 3 years, it never quite gets off the ground. I'm fairly positive I'm not meant to work there, otherwise I'd have found a way. But perhaps I have. After all, there are plenty of retired people who go down and work at Disney, and frankly, I think it's much more fun then. You're old, so they don't expect you to work crazy hours, you don't *need* the money as younger workers do - you're allowed to just have fun! But, before I'm old and have to have a potty break every half hour, I might have found another way to bring the joy of Disney into the lives of others. I've made a contact who hosts non-profit Disney shows in children's hospitals. Any money earned goes straight to charities. The actors are to provide their own costumes, shows are flexible as to what they want to sing/act/dance, and you get the chance to go and perform for children who REALLY need magic in their lives. I can't wait to send her an audition tape. And, you know, even if this doesn't work out for me, it inspires me for the future. Just because I might not be able to do this now, doesn't mean it's never going to work. Who says *I* can't start a business like this? Or at least help start one? I'm excited. :)

Also, Disney is working itself into another little spot in my mind. I've always dreamed of a Disney wedding. Thomas and I have been looking into it, and, price-wise, we might actually be able to swing a little wedding. By little I mean 10 people, including bride and groom. but wouldn't that be amazing? There are so many kinks to work out, and honestly, It's still a 50/50 chance. But wouldn't that be absolutely amazing? Low-stress (they do everything from flowers to music - you just pay the price!) somewhere where I could have both families without worrying about who was comfortable in which church (which was/is going to be SUCH A PAIN), and I could limit the guest list drastically. After all, who is going to go all the way to Florida when we tell them how much it's going to cost? My family has a time share/friends they can stay with, so I'm not too worried about them since it'd only be 2 days. Thomas's family has money - not a whole lot, but enough that I wouldn't feel bad asking them to stay in a Disney resort for a night or two.

Who knows. It might not (read: probably will not) work out with school and family and timing. But it's a lovely option, and I am the teeniest bit excited about just dreaming it up.

I love Disney. No matter what people say about the company, or the institution, I believe it's the stuff that dreams are made of. At least, mine are. :)

Tuesday

After hemming and hawing, I decided that "tuesday" should be the title of this blog. It's the day after Monday, so it's not destined to be bad, but it's not close to the weekend. Wednesday is when people start quietly reassuring themselves that the workweek is halfway over, and only a few more days to the weekend.

I think my life is a Tuesday right now. It's not that I'm stuck necessarily, and life doesn't suck totally, but at the moment, it's difficult to see what lies ahead. My weekend is long in coming. I can remember what happened last "weekend" but it's behind me, no sense in staying in the past when I know there's a "weekend" in front of me. I just have to way for Wednesday to rear it's head, Thursday to help me along, and Friday to be on the cusp of the  end of the week.

Anyway.

Life is difficult as we know it always is. School is going well (I think) I got my very first B ever on a Biology test. It'll probably be my last too, but who knows. I think I did wellish on my first Statistics test, but the grades haven't been put up yet. I've been checking almost every day, which is something I don't usually do. I think Thomas is rubbing off on me. :P I've found a new Netfix obsession in The Cosby Show, and that's leading towards my detriment. I've been attempting to get better about reading the scripture and journaling, and helping others when I'm needed - but that's basically all a bunch of stuff I keep telling myself I have to do every day, and then somehow only get around to it once or twice a week. I do have this 5 year question-a-day journal that I've actually been keeping up, and I'm round of that. but it gives me a question, and then I only get about 5 lines to write the answer, so it's not that difficult a thing.

I have plans to move out of the house. Not total plans, and it's not the best situation, but it goes me away from the parents, and it gives them some distance from me. Christian and her parents have offered to let me stay the summer (and more if I need) at her house. It's farther from civilization than my current house, and it's on a farm - but it's RENT FREE. Therefore, I cannot pass it up. I'll be helping around the house with upkeep, and attempting to help on the farm when I can, and hopefully I'll have at least 2 jobs at the same time. One with which to buy a car, and one to save and be able to move somewhere where I can pay rent, come the end of August. Possibly in Maryland? We'll see.

I'm tired. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately (totally my fault) and because of that, I've been rather lethargic these past couple weeks. Hopefully that will correct itself, and I'll be a more pleasant person to be around. Cross your fingers for me.

'till I write again. hugs.